Let It All Go Before You Die

I have always been a resolute advocate for getting up, showing up and giving forth 100% of my best effort, no matter what, each and every day. I always bring my “A” game to the table. And yet, if nothing else, my life has been an on-going lesson in accepting and loving myself even when, perhaps especially when, my 100% best efforts have not been enough to meet my goals, to pay my bills and to support my family.

When I was little, I was a classic “mama’s boy.” My Mom coddled and spoiled me on a regular basis. She took me everywhere with her and used to refer to me as the bright spot in her day. She cut the crust off of all of my toast and grilled cheese sandwiches, the ones made special for me with mayo on the outside and brick cheese in the middle. Rebie, my aunt and her older sister, would not hear of such nonsense. Whenever I visited her house, Rebie left the crust on the bread, spread butter on the outside for frying and used American cheese and a slice of chopped ham for good measure. I did not like going to Rebie’s house for lunch. In some regards, I suppose I might have fulfilled my Mom’s unspoken need for a grandchild. After all, she was nearly 42 when I was born and my three older brothers were 6, 12 and 15 years older than me.

Then, when I was 16, Mom died following an extended battle with breast cancer. My entire existence as I had known it up unto that time was over in an instant. I cried for an entire week straight following her death. Then, a realization struck me. She had died; I had not. I needed to get back to living or else risk the very real prospect of dying myself, either from suicide, which I did consider, or, at the very least, by giving up on life. So many people die inside years, decades even, before their actual death. I did not intend to become one of them. This lesson has served me well throughout my lifetime.

Tibetan Buddhism teaches that our attachments are one of the primary causes of all suffering, referring to them as poisons or fires. Much of our suffering stems from our unwillingness and/or inability to let things go, seasons that have passed and can no longer be altered in any way anyway. These could include once prosperous businesses that have since failed and are no longer even in existence; prior relationships that are way past their expiration date; changes in functional capacity due to aging, illness or injury that have permanently distanced us from our glory days; and troubled childhoods that took place decades ago. Our attachments to our prior accomplishments; to our identities, labels and titles; to outcomes, people and things limit and imprison our soul. Our backward focused “could’ve”s and “should’ve”s keep us mired in the past, blinding us to the very real possibilities and gifts still available to us in the NOW. Nothing lasts forever; change is a given. Ignoring and denying our NOW while rearward focused, all but guarantees that the opportunities and gifts still present to us are destined to be missed as well. Furthermore, our attachments to hatred, bitterness and resentment, all based upon past events, become toxic to the container that holds them.

So how do we make the most of our NOW and move forward? Most people live their whole lives without ever summoning the courage to actually ask for what they want from their spouse, from others, from their career, from their employer, from life itself. They never overtly express their desires to the people who could actually deliver what they want to do, the experiences that they want to have.

If you never ask, the answer is always no. However, finding the courage to ask is only part of the equation. Your spouse, your friends, your employer and even life itself can still say “no” to you; once you’ve made them aware of your desires, they can all still reject you anyway. That’s the part of the equation you don’t have any control over whatsoever. Even in rejection, there is still one thing under your control: your response. Sometimes, the greatest strength you can ever hope to master is in letting go of dreams, desires and expectations that just weren’t meant to be; releasing your hold on things you strove so valiantly, for so long, to bring about.

In the end, what’s meant to be will be and what’s not won’t, no matter how hard you try to make it otherwise. I pray regularly for this degree of strength, to be able to graciously let go of hopes, dreams and desires that either never had my number to begin with or that had it for awhile but have since been disconnected. I hope you find it too if you ever find yourself so situated.

by jon m ketcham