Fading to Green

Every hero has a journey. Every journey has an end.

Jean Paul Sartre

There’s a principle in physics, known as the Law of Conservation of Energy, that states energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transmuted into another form. Some have interpreted this to mean that, whenever you lose something or are forced to give something up, something equal must take its place. Ten years ago, I set a personal goal to attain global relevance as an author and a speaker. It was an audacious goal, I know, but I wanted to help as many people as I could, to positively touch lives far and wide. At the time, I had a very successful chiropractic practice, a well-received quarterly newspaper column and I was in the process of writing my first book.

I have always been fearless in the pursuit of my dreams. That’s not really the whole truth; I have just never let my fears dictate my actions. Years ago, I competed successfully in natural bodybuilding, even garnering a 1st place in the N.G.A. Natural Mr. Buffalo in 1992. Let me tell you, standing in front of hundreds of strangers in a pair of bikini briefs was initially terrifying for me! Then, after retiring from competition, I transitioned to judging shows for the next 15 years. I walked away from a secure accounting job, also in 1992, to attend the premier chiropractic college in the world, Palmer College of Chiropractic, where I graduated in the top 5% of my class, a class of more than 230 students that had been deemed the most academically astute class to come down the pike in many years. I have lived a very full life and mostly on my terms. I have no regrets. I have already accomplished much of what I had hoped for. I have already experienced most of everything I ever wanted, even if only once. Much of that is now long past.

All the bright precious things fade so fast, and they don’t come back.

 F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Since setting my audacious goal ten years ago, I wrote, typed, edited, formatted, proofread, graphic designed and published five books! And, because I did 100% of all of it, they are the very essence of my spirit, much like how Prince, Donnie Iris and my dear Facebook friend Rich Miller wrote, played, sang and recorded all of their own music. My works are not perfect, by any means, but neither am I. Those who have read my books tell me how much their lives have been positively impacted by them. But, “global relevance?” Let’s just say that I am miles and miles away from best-seller status. And, I have not been asked to speak anywhere in over nine years.

As for my successful chiropractic practice, I completely lost my chosen livelihood and cherished lifestyle after changes from the insurance industry in the state of Pennsylvania took most of the fun and all of the profitability out of private practice for me back in 2012, one year after I had set my audacious goal. Most of my relationships from that time period disintegrated and/or evaporated and those that remained were forever altered and diminished. It took me sixteen brutally long months of fruitless searching, sending out nearly one hundred resumes, before I was fortunate enough to find an accounting position with our local public housing authority. But, even after nearly eight years on the job, and working my way up the ladder to the number two position in the organization, it still only pays about 50% of what I used to make and that’s at double the hours.

F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote, in The Great Gatsby, “Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — tomorrow we will run faster, stretch our arms farther… And one fine morning — So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” Situated at the end of Daisy’s dock, and just barely visible from Gatsby’s lawn across the lake, there was a green light that Gatsby stretched his arms towards in the darkness, near the end of Chapter One. Gatsby associated the green light with Daisy and F. Scott Fitzgerald used it to represent Gatsby’s hopes and dreams for the future, his future that he hoped to recreate from his past. Gatsby’s hopes and dreams are very similar, in ways, to Linus van Pelt’s hopes and dreams to one day see the Great Pumpkin, if only his pumpkin patch is sincere enough. In both cases, they are never going to realize their hopes and dreams; it’s just not in the cards that life has dealt them.

Nothing even close to what I lost ever surfaced to fill the void created by all I had to let go of. And why should it? What the Law of Conservation of Energy really means, in its entirety, is that a system always has the same amount of energy unless it’s added from the outside. Therefore, a system must also always have the same amount of energy unless it’s subtracted from the outside. Zero’s journeys like financial calamity and illness subtract so much energy that the deficits left behind can never be filled. These gaps, these cancerous holes left in their wake, can only be filled by the attitudes of mind that we choose to take on during our own individual zero’s journeys or dark nights of the soul, becoming reservoirs for either loving compassion and gratitude or bitterness and despair.

The trouble is, you think you have time.

Buddha

I love to write and I am profoundly grateful for my ability to put the vapor to the paper. Being able to convey my thoughts in a way that uplifts others is a gift like no other. However, ten years after having set my audacious goal, I will admit that I feel like I am running out of time. In the end, we have to make peace with knowing that, as long as we have done all that we could, the very best that we could, that has to have been enough. Nothing worthwhile and long-lasting has to be forced and, if it seems like it does, then it just isn’t meant to be.

jon m ketcham #jonmketcham